Reset Diary: Maki
by Caribous
Summary: Risetto Nikki series Book 2. Second-year Otonokizaka Academy student Nishikino Maki writes about the disastrous start of her second term, and her efforts to win back Yazawa Niko.
1. April 6

I was out of my mind, today, with worry. Everyone said I couldn't call her. Her mother left some messages on our phone. I relayed them to the other girls from Muse, except Nozomi, who seems to have latched on to being the conduit for things relating to her.

Yesterday, I was in no mood at all to start my second term. School just seemed stupid and trivial. But even in my crappy mood, I had no idea what I would encounter.

She was there - at school! We'd been told she was just out of the hospital, and any sane person would have assumed, on medical grounds, she'd be allowed at least a couple of weeks to convalesce. She had a broken arm and leg on her right side still healing, not to mention the other injuries that had been mostly fixed up in the hospital over time.

Apparently, Principal Minami wanted her to come to school. I think Niko got Kotori to promise not to tell her mother exactly how dire the Yazawa family situation is. She probably imagined they'd wait, and that when Niko was getting around well, she'd be driven to school. But no. Her mother was easily frightened by school authorities and they decided to send Niko to talk to the principal right out of her hospital bed. And Niko dutifully, no doubt, caught a damn train and limped along to school with her crutches. One of them under a broken arm.

If they are going to direct everything through Nozomi, I think Nozomi has something to answer for. Or that's what I thought before the crappiest thing of all happened.

I couldn't help myself. I said "Niko ... kami-sama" and even put my hand over my mouth like a girly princess. She heard her name and looked at me. She said "Do I know you, Onee-san?" like a little kid. Then, embarrassed, she mumbled something like ".. sempai?"

She was fighting tears from the pain, so I could tell it wasn't some sick joke. Like something in a movie, she really didn't know me. She didn't know _**me**_.

I couldn't deal with it. I almost couldn't stand. I just sort of waved her away. She got that furious look she used to get with me. In a way, it was nostalgic, if it weren't so horrifying.

Rin and Hanayo always say I pay no attention to my feelings until I get one of my stomach aches. Well, okay, feelings, you have my attention. I think Maki is going to skip school tomorrow.


	2. April 8

If you are reading this, you are either Yazawa Niko or her mother. I have nothing to hide. My name is Nishikino Maki. Yes, Niko, I am the Maki in this nikki. I have your missing diary. I got it from your mother, with her permission. That's how much she trusts me. If you have read the nikki up to this point, you will have seen my name a lot, and you will have figured out that I am your girlfriend and that we were school idols together. You will have had a lot of other things thrown at you and it may be you feel like the world has gone crazy.

If you are Mrs. Yazawa, I will write the same thing I was going to direct to Niko. I love Niko. I love her with all my heart. I am not ashamed of anything I am writing in her nikki. I thank Kami-sama she is alive and relatively well. I am not going to give up on winning her back. I am not going to go through all the fighting and lies and pride we went through the first time. I am going to use every advantage I can get from the fact that I know her by now like I know my ten fingers.


	3. April 9

In the end, Nozomi phoned me. It was a graceful gesture. She was polite and kind and almost timid. I almost did not recognize her. She said, "I heard you found out the worst way yesterday. If it was me and Eli I don't know how I could stand it. And we aren't even really a lovey-dovey couple like I wish, yet. Are you mad?"

I was but I think what Mrs. Yazawa had Niko do caught her flat-footed, too. "You didn't know Niko was going to be sent to Otonikizaka?" "No, I had no idea. It was a terrible thing. I helped her get home and said Minami-sensei told her to stay home until she was better." "Did she?" "Yeah, she was surprised to see how bad Niko was."

"Why in God's name did anyone want her to go to Otonokizaka in the first place?" I yelled. I Probably hurt Nozomi's ears. I didn't care.

Nozomi didn't say anything for quite a while. "Maki, you should listen. Niko, she doesn't remember anything after her first month at Otonokizaka. Not her idol club going boom, not Muse, not Love Live, not you."

I interrupted her there: "Why are you rubbing that in my face?"

"Maki, please listen. Niko-chan is a starting ichinensei in her mind. She doesn't know anything past middle school. You remember how hard it was to get her to pass math for me and Eli?"

"Nnn" I said. Well, yeah.

"Eli is already back at school and I have to go there, too. I don't want to get too far behind. We aren't going to be here to help her. And she's really sad. It's like she was when the Idol club broke up. She needs her Muse friends, but she doesn't know them."

It was such a bad feeling. Niko had told me very little about that time, but even so. It was like having her father die all over again. That's what she said. If she was like that, she needed help with more than school. So I said that to Nozomi.

"Exactly," Nozomi said to me. "You have my phone number and my email and LINE and so on. And you have everyone else?"

And I did, because of what happened to Niko. We wanted to all be in touch at a moment's notice.

"Okay," said Nozomi. "Because even though right now you can't help her directly, you need to help her indirectly. You need to meet up with her mother. Eli and I are looking up the law and looking for a lawyer or something. Mrs. Yazawa would settle for anything the train company offers, you know that."

"She would never sue, she doesn't have the time or money and she's too afraid, anyway." I want to write right here and now, I love Mrs. Yazawa and I see where Niko gets her kind heart and motherly instincts. But honestly, sending Niko to school like that reminded me that the Yazawas tend to keep their heads down when the rich and powerful are threatening them.

"She might sue, if it was in a crowd. There is no nail sticking up. But Eli says she may not have to. Just grouping together all the victims that weren't killed as if there will be a big suit will make a better settlement offer. Sometimes more than you would win."

I agreed, because telling her she just had to appear to be joining a suit, that was enough, would be acceptable.

We talked about a lot of things after that, and I notice my feelings also when I am crying too hard to speak. Nozomi has one more week before she absolutely has to go back to university, and she will have all of Niko's time and attention, and I am grateful to her.


	4. April 10

Nobody was there when she woke up. At first I was there every day. Then every week. Sometimes twice a week. But when she opened her eyes and looked around there was no one there. I really wish my eyes were the first thing she saw.

I wasn't going to write about that today. School and life have been going on. I have to be far more disciplined than I have ever been in my life, even when I had private lessons after school almost every day in middle school. I need to keep my grades perfect to keep my parents happy and away. I need to be able to contribute to Muse. The old Niko would never forgive me, and I think the new one will grow to feel that way, too. I need to help with Niko's money and her school and her physical therapy. but of course, I actually need to meet her for real. First. And I need to win my baby back. Making my routine is a step to that. Baby steps for my baby Niko.


	5. April 11

I will write a lot now, because in the morning I counted my blessings and later in the day we were granted a new one.

I think the Yazawas all give me a sad feeling sometimes, that they might at any time be flushed down the drain like baby rats. But they won't stop struggling. I learned a lot about real life dating a poor girl. But Nishikinos are trained to grab what there is to grab out of any situation, and to prevail. And the first step is counting your assets. What poorer people call counting your blessings.

So what are they here?

1\. Obviously, Nozomi and Minami-sensei want Niko to re-enroll in Otonokizaka as a first-year, even though she already went through three years there and was on a train to negotiate late entry into a performing arts school when she was injured. If that's what is happening, we can put off worrying about being apart for two more whole years (minus the time it takes me to get my girl). I can do my schoolwork and my music with peace of mind.

2\. I know every trick Niko has ever used to dodge learning while studying. I'll be the strictest tutor she ever had. Safe, they could never afford a tutor :(

3\. As her tutor I can woo her without any raised eyebrows.

4\. I know how to make her shine as an idol once we get her back in shape.

5\. I don't mind her cursing me when I force her to work hard in physical therapy.

6\. I am better with money than she is (except food shopping). She lost 3 years of her life and months of training to come. But financially, she will be better off than she was before. I will see to that.

7\. Niko don't get mad when you get to this one: Yazawa Niko will call me SEMPAI! It puts me into a dreamy reverie just to think about it.

8\. We are starting from scratch. We don't have to have all the fights, all the pain we inflicted on each other before we got it right.

9\. Mama Yazawa skip this blessing!

Our main fix was sex, once we started having it. It solved most of our issues. We need more than that, but the sooner we start being physical with each other, the sooner things will become harmonious. Niko, don't get mad at this part, either. You agreed with me completely.

10\. None of the evil things that happened to her before we knew her will happen now. No producer will tell her she, a very underage girl, has to have sex with him and his associates or he'll ruin her career. And then follow through and blackball her for saying no. No one will say she has to make several ¥80,000 trips and purchase an expensive wardrobe for just the chance at an audition. No one will demand a bribe of any kind. The Idol Club will not desert her. Niko, Mrs. Yazawa, all that happened, and more. It's a miracle Niko kept going.

I suppose ten blessings is enough for now. As for the new one:

Nozomi said I should meet her at a cafe where she and Eli had parfaits when they were at Otonokizaka, after school. Rin and Hanayo must have known something was up, because they came along to support me. I was pleased, but surprised, to see Eli there. There was an older woman, perhaps in her 30s or 40s, in nice business clothes. She rose to meet me and we bowed, and then she said her name was Shirojima Mihae and she was a lawyer that Eli had been talking to. But I should finish this tomorrow.


	6. April 12

I will write a lot today, too. A lot is happening.

Shirojima-sensei is an environmental lawyer, not a personal injury lawyer. But she has experience with shuudansoshous - she is right now taking a break from a large lawsuit involving TEPCO and the radiation cleanup around the Fukushima reactor areas after the Touhoku disaster. She is willing to help when she can, for almost no money beyond her expenses.

She said right away that she thinks Niko is in a class of people that deserve extra damages beyond medical and pain and suffering, and she is going to have them meet with an old judge that JR East wanted as a mediator for the special cases. They are admitting some fault because, apparently, the driver did not slow down even though Japan's law says when the wind is getting as fast as it was the day the train left the tracks they must.

The judge who will mediate is very conservative. He would like it, ideally, if Japan were to change back to 100 years ago or so.

But nonetheless Shirojima-sensei believes compensation for me can be included in any settlement.

"First of all, you should thank your parents, Nishikino-san. They have given me complete access to all of Yazawa-san's medical records, with her mother's permission, of course. And they have expedited it so I received it immediately."

"We are going to get some money immediately for the Yazawas from the prefectural government, Maki," Eli said. "I have the paperwork all done, and Nozomi and I ordered a little light wheelchair for Niko. It has a battery that's small and doesn't last long - she has to plug it in. But it will fit on the train better." It seems it will be delivered to the Yazawa house today. It was not our prefecture involved in the derailment, this is just help because the Yazawas are poor. Most of Niko's hospital stay was for free for the same reason. Our hospital took her on for obvious reasons.

Normally, but nothing now is normal, I would just take a taxi to school and pick up Niko along the way. But such sensible things will have to wait till after we meet. At least in a week or so Niko can get to the train and get on with help. Nozomi will be gone. Maybe I can arrange to be there as her tutor and help her if we have a morning session.

"I understand you and Yazawa-san were doing duets, Nishikino-san? Had you established a name and been scheduled anywhere? Somewhere you would be paid for appearing?" is what Shirojima asked me.

Well, we had. Quite a few places, considering we didn't promote it and were new at it.

"Nishikino-san, you lost your partner and you are going to make expenditures of your precious time and your money to help her. That is a loss, also. The judge will consider that. The other thing would only hurt you."

The other thing - that made me jump. "You are talking about our relatiohship?" I was very surprised.

"I am," Shirojima-sensei said, and very calm, too. "This judge is so conservative the fact you are going to be sacrificing yourself to help your same-sex person might make him want to give her as little as possible. That's simply a fact."

I got it. I told her "fine, I never would have brought it up anyway. And it's beside the point, anyway."

"Yes, Nishikino-san, I understand. You know, that's why I want to include your suffering, though. I do, I really do, sympathize." She looked at me with kind eyes.

"If you reestablish a romantic relationship before the mediating is done, you should emphasize to Yazawa-san that she must not mention it, either."

Then she actually laughed. She put her hand in front of her mouth like she'd yawned or coughed.

"You know, a hundred years ago in Japan, we had douseisha couples?"

I didn't understand, as we had just dismissed the whole subject.

"Yazawa-san is ... two years older?"

"Two-and-a-half. My parents convinced my elementary school to accept me even though i was too young."

"Then, do you know what they did, almost a hundred years ago, if two women wanted to marry?"

My guess was they jumped in front of a train, but I didn't say that.

"If you could convince Yazawa-san to adopt you, that would help your case."

To adopt me? I must say I had nothing to say to that.

"It would bring up the issue of you losing your special someone, without defying society. It would show the judge your seriousness and sincerity. It would be a declaration that you both bow to Japan's social rules. All Yazawa-san has to say is that her mother convinced her, that she doesn't remember you but she trusts you to support her loyally."

We are two years apart - who adopts someone under those conditions? Worse, Niko is mentally almost a year younger than I am, now. If you are reading this, kouhai, don't make a fuss, okay?

She explained that adopting meant you were in the family registry. It gave you the right to visit in hospital, to share property and inherit it automatically, and to be buried together. You would take on the new family name. That isn't optional.

I said that my family would never agree to that - Nishikino is becoming a well-known name, with two doctors married to each other and owning a large hospital.

"Then you say just that, Nishikino-san. I hope Toujou-san told you that possibly the victims need not actually sue?"

I said she had. Then Shirojima said, "well, you don't have to go through with it. Just Yazawa-san saying, on her mother's advice, she offered to adopt you, then you saying, due to objections by your family, you were forbidden to accept. Both of you are dutiful daughters in that scenario. A great deal of the law in Japan is carried out not in the courtroom but at a kissaten or a ramen shop. Or in a private meeting at a judge's office. And you don't always have to do something, just plan to do it."

We exchanged information after that and she told me roughly how she wanted to proceed. If we wanted to play up Niko's tiny, little moe waif quality, she'd dress one way. If I could convince her to try the adoption ploy, we'd go the other way and make her as grown-up looking as possible. I honestly think Niko can be a good show-woman if she needs to, so I was optimistic. We agreed to talk by phone very soon. I bowed and took my leave as I had a lot of work to catch up on already when I got home. And that's how my day surprisingly ended. Hanayo was silent the whole time, Nozomi, too, mostly. Rin - not so much. But I can mention that tomorrow.


	7. April 13

**Chikushou! Kuso! Naraku! Aho ka?**

That's what the refined doctors' daughter said this morning. Mrs. Yazawa said, worried and apologetic, that the doctors told her Niko's little trip to school probably injured her further! Nozomi and I still haven't had the heart to tell her it was unnecessary, but I think she knows that now. I told her we will get through this, too. Then after I got off the phone I swore out loud.

This is the kind of thing that could cripple Niko. That could make it so she can't do what she wants with her life. This is the kind of thing that is going to drive me crazy. I _***have***_ to be there! I _***have***_ to care for her. We are running out of time to screw around not telling her. Things are moving too fast and the Yazawas are like a paper lantern in a storm.

I decided yesterday I would finish writing about the meeting with Shirojima-sensei. Maybe it will make me less frantic. I was already reminded of Rin and company and their lack of seriousness when Shirojima-sensei mentioned our duet. I was on the phone with our first booking when my mother called. When I talked to her for a second, Rin took the phone. With us were Kira Tsubasa, Honoka and Nozomi. In other words, there was not one responsible person there to watch out for me and Niko. When the booker asked what our duet was called, Rin said "Tsunderes." She really did. Nozomi said "No, Rin, that's not quite right, they are nice tsunderes in this act, so they are called the Tsun-dere-deres. Have you got that?" she asked the booker, who noted it down. That's what we found out we were called when we went to the place we debuted at.

It's very hard to change your name after you debut, so we kept "Tsunderederes" and we did not feel very dere-dere about it. I did notice that Honoka, Nozomi, Tsubasa and Rin were laughing like crazy when I got back to the booker on the phone that day, but she said that the booking was already finished and gave me the details to pass on to Niko. So cat-girl should have been walking softly on her paws around me.

Rin was very happy about Shirojima-sensei. Eli had looked her up and she was said to be tougher than her sweet and refined manner would suggest. As Rin put it, during the meeting, "You are said to wear a cat on your head, sensei!"

Shirojima-sensei said back, "Yes, I will consider that a compliment. But you know, Nishikino is so full of stress now, I think she is willing to borrow a cat's paws." And gave Rin a smile.

Rin was very happy at that exchange. But the cat-girl failed to use a cat's tongue, because when her hot chocolate came, she burned hers on it.

Okay. Tomorrow we find out how Niko is doing (or maybe the day after). And we move ahead the Niko meets the Idol Club time. I am going to meet her as a club member and as her assigned tutor. I probably can't explain our first sort-of-meeting, but she's probably embarrassed about calling a stranger "Big Sis," so she may not mention it.


	8. April 14

I did not write about it, but Nozomi is still here because Eli got her out of having to go to classes by saying she had to help a friend who had nearly died in the express train derailment some months ago and had just left the hospital. But she still has to go back. When she got leave from school, we planned to put off the meeting until Niko was a little better off. According to my parents, the hospital determined that what Niko did wasn't good for her but wasn't crippling, much moreso than her existing problems. It's possible even another week won't be enough to wheel to school safely and go to the Idol Research Club room, so the club will have to come to Niko, I think.

More money came from the kenritsu welfare fund and now any books or supplies Niko needs to start over as an ichinensei will be paid for, and so will a lunch stipend. And yes, money to pay a student to be a part-time tutor. It's our money in my mind, so I don't mind taking it.


	9. April 15

Disaster. Or sort of. The next day, Niko became frantic to see school again, for some reason, and the idol club. Nozomi stopped lying about the power being out, and she went over to Niko's house early, helped her into the chair, carried her crutches, and followed her to the station. They left early so Niko wouldn't have to go fast over bumps or curbs. Boarding the train turned out to be safe and easy, and so was getting off. Nozomi went over the classes she would probably need. They saw Minami-sensei, who has decided in one month Niko can be a regular student. That worried Niko, because to her that would be two months into the year. But Minami-sensei and Nozomi assured her with the right help she could keep up and be integrated.

Disaster. Okay. I couldn't say hi to her. Everyone else did - Eli is back at college but Nozomi was there, and everyone was cheery to Niko - Hanayo, Rin, Umi, Honoka, Kotori. So who was the weird girl hanging back, trembling, unwilling to look at Niko, or say anything? That would be me.

Nozomi saved the day again. "That girl writes our music, Niko-chan. She is also the girl Minami has assigned as your tutor. Say hi to Niko-chan, Maki-san."

"I am Nishikino Maki, Yazawa-san. It is a pleasure to meet you."

"I am in your care, Nishikino-san."

Niko clearly wondered why I was fighting tears. It was seeing my baby in that chair. So brave, so hurt.

"Nishikino-san had some distressing news about her family, just today, Niko-san, but things will probably be fine. She is not upset about meeting you, though she is very shy. Please take care of her, as well." Nozomi again.

I think Niko was amazed at how much the Idol Club was the way she left it, yet expanded. And everything obviously organized and handled with loving care. Hanayo and Honoka assured her that she had a place with them, and they already considered her a member, not just after a month when she could put her name on the form.

Niko asked, suspiciously, why Honoka was always speaking for the club if Hanayo was president (but not that bluntly and rudely, she spoke around it). They explained that while Hanayo was the president of the club, Honoka led the practices, only not really, because Rin led the practices, too. And so did Umi.

"Yazawa-san, after your awful injuries, it was Honoka who organized keeping the Idol Club going. We have always kept you in mind. She created our first routines, too. I was the one who knew the most about idols, so I became the president." that was Hanayo, who can always calm anyone.

"Yazawa-san, is it true you made your own outfits?" that was sweet and gentle Kotori. Now I saw their strategy. Rin and Umi didn't speak much, even Honoka didn't. Let the two least threatening girls handle it. And of course, the scariest girl of all, the weird girl, the tutor, didn't say much of anything after "hajimemashite."

Niko told them she did, and Kotori said she'd look forward to planning outfits with Niko, and sewing them until Niko could help. Nozomi took Niko home early, then went to a convenience store and got some supplies, then went home and cooked dinner for Niko and her family. Niko was so touched she cried, Nozomi said. Until then, she didn't think of even Nozomi as being a friend who liked her. I want her real life, not her painful lonely life, to start _**now**_. I want it to start _**yesterday**_!


	10. April 17

April 17

Kokoro called me. Of course Niko thinks she is still at Chiyoda elementary school and not at Joshigakuin. That girl has a lot of fortitude. Being a Yazawa, she still fits her shougakko uniform. She's old enough to be part of the discussion, along with Mama Yazawa, my mother, me, the rest of Muse minus Eli, about how we tell Niko the truth. I want Kokoro to parcel out some things and then I want to tell Niko. I have Mama Yazawa's approval, so I just have to plan the time and method. The fact that "only I would tell her what's going on" is probably going to bring us closer. Kokoro and I have always gotten along extremely well. I am not so oblivious as I was, I think Kokoro had a crush on me for a while.

Niko and I met up at a kissaten. We planned our first tutoring session to be there tomorrow. Kokoro had already told me Niko thinks I have shakaiteki fuanshougai. I guess I can't blame her. I told her i would treat her this time. I think she thinks her socially anxious tutor came out of her shell a little and she was pleased. Of course it's awkward and I don't want to go too fast. I have finally gotten to where I can look at her in a wheelchair, though. So there is progress.

It was sad learning from Kokoro that Niko had dreams about the wreck. With all that she's forgotten, why would God let her remember that when she needs to sleep? I think after she's told the truth would be a good time to say her tutor will also help her with physical therapy when she's not at the hospital.


	11. April 18

I can't remember why exactly I started writing in Niko's diary. But now I think it's how I think and plan things. So much is going on, so much is happening, every day. I feel so overwhelmed all the time. I need to make sure I think about us every day. It is sentimental but I believe if I focus on the love, it helps with everything else.

So I not only eavesdropped on a friend but I wrote down what she said later. I better not write any names, I will just say A-san talking to B-san. If Niko was writing this, I guarantee she'd say DD-chan talking to D-chan.

We were still talking about Niko when B-san called. A-san moved away but not far enough.

A-san gave B a run-down on what happened when Niko met the idol club. She noticed that Niko didn't like Honoka very much - again. Somehow Honoka can't make a good first impression with her. That led A-san to tell B-san about how Niko first met Honoka - and told her about ARISE and idols generally and basically gave her the idea to start a school idol group. The other Muses didn't even know about that, except Nozomi from Niko, because Honoka never mentioned it - she probably forgot about it. Niko was furious with her (it's in her nikki). Honoka must have come off as a total airhead without even a child's knowledge of idols. History repeats itself, and again, Niko is much friendlier with Hanayo than Honoka. And of course, really likes Kotori. A-san said it's because Niko back then was a lot like Umi - very driven and no-nonsense. And those people have a soft spot for Kotori.

A-san told B about how Niko met me the first time. It's in Niko's nikki as well. She's surprisingly honest in her diary entries. Basically, my parents told me to avoid Otanokizaka because it was going to close in a few years for sure, and could close during my time there. And that it wasn't as good a school as it was in its long-gone glory days. So I was simply looking over UTX - my future school - and watching their marquee when - and nowadays I can just write this plainly - a very cute, attractive girl came up next to me and started gushing over ARISE and how they were all goddesses. For a reason I now chalk up to jealousy I dismissed them. I said I was going to UTX to study pre-medicine and do serious music.

Niko of course bridled at that and demanded to know what I meant by serious music. I said I played classical, jazz, etc. And had won many contests playing music. And then - mistake - I pointed out I'd even won several composing contests. That flipped a switch in super-idol Niko's mind. Her own pet composer! She talked up Otonokizaka like her life depended on it. She said, correctly, that Otonokizaka was still rated higher overall for my subjects. That it still had a higher percentage of good colleges for graduates. She pointed out it was quiet and studious - more like Kana - where UTX was more like Akihabara. The fact that eventually I enrolled in Otonokizaka is absolute proof I was in love with Niko at first sight. It made absolutely no sense, and God bless Honoka for rescuing me from my folly. And if Niko wondered why I was hostile to her at first more than the rest? She had no one but herself to blame. When I heard the announcement about the school closing, Rin and Hanayo were nearby and they say my face went completely white. Under my breath, I said "damn you, Yazawa."

Anyway, A-san pointed out that Niko was back to being depressed and - honestly - a bit of a user. So, she said, she and Maki would have to watch out for that. But it was okay to give con-woman Niko a few victories here and there to keep her spirits up. And I will put up with her childish hugs much better this time around if it comes down to that.

Okay, to get to the part that made me want to write this down. Niko and mama Yazawa, this is the kind of secret stuff that can hurt people. I don't really have an excuse for it.

A-san suddenly confessed to B-san, over the phone.

I guess B-san was taken back by it, but eventually started asking A-san questions. A-san said "I am not giving you an ultimatum, [B]. I am seeing what they had, and what Maki lost, and I want that. I want it." Then, after a lot more discussion, she said "If Maki can fight so hard for this, I can, too. I want that kind of relationship. But I am not demanding anything, [B]. I am just stating a fact." And a sentence or two later, it was over and she ended the call and came back to where I was.

A-san had news for me, too. A good thing, as I had been quietly freaking out over what I overheard. She gave me something different to freak out about.

A representative of a talent agency, mostly for idols, called the Yazawa home. Not with an offer to represent Niko, obviously. This was the same sleazy agency whose senior producer had tried to force Niko to have sex with him when she was fifteen, and then told various agents and agencies she was too difficult to work with and had no talent and that anyone his agency represented wouldn't work with her. Basically ending her career before it could start. He also told Niko a poor girl like her never made it as an idol unless she was willing to pay with her body. And even that he liked little girls best. This all happened a month or two after the last time she remembers, thank goodness. Anyway, they asked mama Yazawa if she had a lawyer and she remembered Shirojima-sensei, who is charitably helping Niko and me with our damages from the train wreck, and is not at all a Yazawa family lawyer. So she said Shirojima was Niko's lawyer!

So now we have to meet with Shirojima-sensei again. When the agency called, according to A-san, Shirojima put them off and said Niko was asleep with pain medicine. She didn't say Niko was her client or not her client. Seriously? Is this month never going to end? I hope they are going to fire the senior producer and apologize to Niko, but that sort of nice outcome is not what Niko normally gets. But what do they want after three years?


	12. April 19

So, yesterday at the same kissaten where we agreed to meet, I tutored Niko in math and chemistry. Her SAD, hikikomori tutor is really improving! No tears, no shaking. I told Niko I went over her tests. I didn't say "long ago, and three years worth." Before she goes back to school there has to come The Time. I dropped a couple of hints while we were studying. I was so relieved. She stared at me a lot. This is important. Even if she will never remember me, as long as she thinks it's a good idea to be with me, that's fine. I may dress in a flirty way next time. How funny, because everything I know in that line I learned from Niko. Your own knowledge turned against you, Niko.

The Time is going to be put off for at least two weeks. Next week Niko has to have a lot of surgeries and she'll be in the hospital for at least a week after that. I think mama Yazawa is going to tell her about them tonight. I think she needs to have a week of no school and PT after she gets out of the hospital, so really three weeks. About what was estimated before she went to school on her own and re-injured herself.

Shirojima-sensei called me. She has a very bad feeling about the talent agency. She says don't agree with anything they say if they want to settle liability for what they did to Niko. She said they sounded more suspicious than a polluter pretending he didn't poison the community's water. I am shocked. We never expected them to even deal with anything, since it is close to admitting how sleazy they are, so why turn down an unexpected gift. I will say, though, that this woman makes you trust her and her instincts. So I phoned mama Yazawa, and I told her roughly what had happened three years ago, and what Shirojima-sensei said - put them off till we resolve the train issue, basically - and that she can't say Shirojima-sensei is our lawyer.


	13. April 20

Yesterday I didn't go to school for the half-day morning session. I had my mother send an email saying I had to help with some family matters. Since my grades are still close to perfect, no one made a fuss. We had a quiet midday dinner at home, just the three of us, Mother and Father and me. I believe it's fair to say my parents are coming around. The main thing my father got me was a very nice violin. I can't compose easily on one, so I had abandoned it, but it has its place when I simply want to practice music. Mother got me a new phone with a lot of space on it, crammed with collections of jazz, blues, enka, American Broadway music, rock and roll, pop music, etc. She bought a subscription to a music service and downloaded everything recommended in those genres.

Father still plays the violin beautifully ("I'll just test it out") and Mother is still very good on the flute. I accompanied them for an hour after our meal. The doctors Nishikino and their future doctor daughter all being musicians. I will cherish memories like this. Now I want to be conceited like Niko and admit when I heard Mother and Father playing, I thought "well, I guess I see where I got it from."

The occasion, of course, is that I am now a "musume nihachi". As they say in English, "sweet sixteen." I would not say my sixteenth year on Earth has started very sweetly at all. Also, I really don't feel sixteen, I feel twice as old as that. But I am thankful for my parents and my friends and my music and Niko. I am already counting Niko, because in my shoes, she would.

Not long after spending time with my parents, I went to Homura for a party. The Muses minus Eli were there, but her sister filled in for her, and of course Yukiho was there, too.

I was teary-eyed seeing everyone there. They all seemed to feel like I deserved love and attention, and I think I do need it. Early on, I got a phone call from Eli. She was wishing me a happy birthday, of course, but overall, it wasn't a phone call that cheered me up, exactly.

"Hey, Maki," she said, and then paused a while. "Since you're sixteen now, I think I ought to talk to you about things nobody else will." Not an auspicious start.

"Basically, the big question is, starting over in this situation, are you completely sure you want to push forward with all your might?"

I told Eli I didn't understand her at all.

"Well, you have to help Niko, you obviously feel obligated to. But I am hoping you will look at the whole situation a bit selfishly, because this is probably your only chance to."

What she was getting at was, Niko was not in love with me, and I didn't have any commitment to this girl. She asked me when we started dating, and I said a couple of months after she joined Muse. And how long had we been lovers for? It had sort of grown into that, but basically a couple of months, mostly after Niko graduated. So, Eli said, it amounts to being together about half a year, and yet I was basically almost committing myself to marriage with someone who didn't either know or remember me.

"If you think you're juggling a lot now, it's only going to get worse, Maki. Pretty soon - a year or two - you will have to start really studying for medical school. And Niko will want you to continue with music with her, too. You can make her your friend again, you can keep her in your life, but you don't absolutely have to be all I-will-love-you-forever with her. You've never even dated anyone else. You can even have sex with her, on your terms, you know. I just don't want you getting hurt if things don't work out, and you were just driven by memories and obligation."

I really didn't know what to say, and Eli thought I had hung up. I got my voice back enough to say no, I was still there, still listening. I didn't lash out, like I would have when we first got to know each other. I have definitely matured. And it's a good thing, too. I got the impression from Eli that she always saw me as something of a younger her.

"I get you, Eli," I said ... and then hummed a bit.

"Okay, look at it like this. Would you tell Niko that about being an idol? After all, it not only COULD but actually DID break her heart. Break it utterly. And more than once. And she had that dream in memory of her father and an obligation to that memory, right?"

Eli laughed. "So, Niko for you is your project, like being an idol is Niko's project? Got it."

We signed off on a good note. I thought about it while we chit-chatted, and I said Eli was right, no one else would have asked me the big question so bluntly like that, but they must all be thinking it. She said, yes, it adds courage to be hundreds of kilometers away where I can't see her face and vice versa.

Alisa came up to me. "Was that Onee-san?"

I told her it was and she got a vexed expression.

"I bet she dumped her problems with Nozomi-nee on you, right? If she did, I am going to tell her off."

I told her no, Eli didn't complain about Nozomi. But Alisa said that wasn't what she was getting at. "Onee-san feels like Nozomi-nee is pressuring her to be girlfriends instead of just best friends. Imagine that, after being in love with her for three years and completely supporting her. Anyway, the last time Nozomi called her, they had it out a little bit. Nozomi-nee said she wanted what you and Niko had before the accident. I could tell from your face that your conversation just now with Onee-san wasn't all that good, right? She was probably questioning your relationship with Niko, right?"

I told Alisa not to complain to her sister at all. Regardless of what set her off, she was sincerely concerned, and when she said only she would ask me that kind of question, it was mostly true. I am sure both my parents would jump at the chance if I gave them even an inch of space to do so, which I won't.

Alisa looked a little unsatisfied and said, well, from the sound of it you got adopted as her honorary younger sister, so welcome to the family. Your older sister is overbearing and insensitive, just so you know. I wondered out loud what happened to the girl that idolized Eli so much. Alisa said she's still there, but she now sees more than one side of Eli.

A little before Eli called, the family car arrived and Nozomi got out. I rushed over and Nozomi and I got Niko's wheelchair out of the back and helped her into it. Am I a great tutor or what, caring for my students so much even on my own birthday?

The Muses and the little sisters were committed to silence about Niko's situation - and even things like what year it was. Or what month it was. Since Niko remembered a month of high school already, and it was only mid-April now, even telling her the day was likely to confuse her.

For her, it's Heisei 23 - 2011 as most of the world writes it. The Touhoku earthquake and tsunami has just happened. The Democratic Party is firmly in control in the Diet, and looking likely to place its third prime minister in a row in office in the elections in September - the LDP stance on nuclear plants is now unpopular. Kimura Kaela, Uemura Kana, Radwimps, French Kiss, AKB48, the venerable Mr. Children, and from America, Lady Gaga, are all hot on the charts right now. It's sometime after April, Niko's not sure.

For the rest of us, it's Heisei 26 - 2014 - and I hoped we could all enjoy ourselves but keep that discrepancy in mind. The Time has to come soon, no question.

Okay before I forget, what Shirojima-sensei said about the talent agency was that they probably have a class-action suit against them - it has that smell - and when the lawyers in charge of the suit were asking around, everyone mentioned how brutally and maliciously they treated Yazawa Niko. So the agency may be trying to cut her out of the suit. If that fails, Shirojima-sensei warned me, they will basically say, well, she doesn't remember anything, and if her reputation has been damaged unfairly, we can help rehabilitate it, without admitting fault, etc. etc. but also say since she's three years older and crippled, her odds are terrible anyway, so they shouldn't have to do too much.

With that unpleasantness out of the way, I can report that Niko cried - again - but it was with emotion, not depression. She felt out of place there. She hadn't taken to Honoka right away, and I was just her tutor. So I made a decision I would stay by her side the entire time she was there, period. I got her drinks and wheeled her wherever she wanted to go. At first, that obviously just made Niko more self-conscious, but I assured her I wanted to do it, and was very happy she could attend. Maybe she thinks this is the µ's way of getting her and I both to make new friends. It sort of is.

We talked easily, it was such a relief. I now know - thanks to Niko - a lot about idols. The only drawback was remembering not to mention anything that happened after April of Heisei 23. We also talked about music, and singing. Niko could never afford vocal lessons. Her breathing is sometimes inefficient, and her voice could use some reduction in squeakiness. We waited to cut the cake Honoka made until Niko got there. It was her particular favorite - a matcha cake with sour cherry slices. It sounds bitter but Niko likes it with extra sugar. I said it was my favorite too - it is, because Niko likes it. When we got around to the subject of me composing music, I mentioned I had won some composing contests - it was a replay of our discussion at UTX. Just like then, I could see the wheels spinning in Niko's mind. Yes, she will get her pet composer this time, too, but with open eyes.

She was supposed to stay only a half hour, but it ended up being an hour. She wasn't in a lot of pain or overly tired, so that was okay. She was obviously confused by how close the idol research club had become in such a short time. She told me she guessed they had all been doing dance and performance in middle school. Honoka mentioned A-RISE, but Niko assumed they were a new school idol group, so it didn't confuse her. She believes µs was something some of the club members were involved in in middle school, and that's why she's never heard of them. When you look at it, Niko standing there watching A-RISE on the monitor at UTX was the foundation of µs. That's where she gave Honoka the idea of starting a school idol group. That's where she talked me into joining Otonokizaka. So all of us should have a soft spot for A-RISE and Niko and the big screen.

Niko got choked up and apologized for crying at my birthday party. I had a chance and I took it. I hugged my Niko for the first time. I told her I was happy to see her and I understood how she must feel. Niko asked me about the difference between now and the other two times I had encountered her at school. I said I thought maybe I had opened up to her. Of course, that made her really happy.

So yes, Niko's borrowed Nikki-san, Nishikino Maki's sweet sixteen was indeed a happy birthday. And not too soon. I deserved it.

Today is Easter Sunday, a day of resurrection for Christians. I wonder if that's a good omen for us. I got Niko some Eisei Fairy Tale Egg Boro Boro Biscuits and I think I'll hide them when I tutor her next.


	14. April 21

I cut this out a long time ago and have been meaning to paste it in sometime. Today is as good a day as any. I have no words.

 ** _Akihabara Kanda girl, recent Otonokizaka graduate was among injured in crash: JR East_**

 ** _January 3, 2014 (Mainichi Japan)_**

 ** _TOKYO - The recent derailment of a JR East train under icy conditions, which killed 17 people, many of them crew members, injured an additional hundred people, according to JRE officials._**

 ** _Among the grievously injured was Yazawa Niko, 18, an Akihabara resident who had just graduated from Otonokizaka Academy, where she was part of the group µ's (Myuzu) which won this year's regional "Love Live" idol contest against hundreds of other area schools._**

 ** _Yazawa was found and pulled from a pile of bodies, mostly crew members, and rescue personnel believed she would not survive. However, Yazawa survived and is unconscious and in critical condition. She has already had two surgeries that preserved her life, but doctors are uncertain if Yazawa will survive long-term or regain consciousness. If she does not survive, the death toll will rise to at least 18. This is already the most fatal train derailment in recent history (the four trains that went missing in 2011 during the Touhoku earthquake and tsunami are not counted as derailments)._**

 ** _Yazawa's father is deceased, and the girl was caring for her three younger siblings after school. Yazawa Kotono, who works in an insurance office in Akihabara and also processes paperwork part-time for the city services department, said she and her children "would not know what to do without Niko." When contacted by phone, the Yazawas were at a shrine praying for the injured girl._**

 ** _The other former members of Muse have gathered and immediately released a song written the day the crash was reported by Sonoda Umi and Nishikino Maki called, simply, "We Love You Niko, Get Well, Please." The school idols are all wearing simple robes and moving slowly like monks praying as they walk, and the music is somber compared to other Muse songs. "We want Niko to wake up and hear this," group founder Kousaka Honoka says, at the end. The song was placed, appropriately on the NicoNico Douga, (search WeLoveUNiko)._**

 ** _"Nico Nico Ni" was Yazawa's school idol catch-phrase._**


	15. April 23

April 23

I think Eli was completely right about the pressure only getting worse, so I have started working ahead already. Nothing says I have to shoot for taking over the hospital right away, that wouldn't have happened anyway. If I only have thirteen years under my belt instead of fifteen, literally no one will care. I am going to balance music and medical studies going forward, even when it comes to college. The things I do for Niko now will be practical experience for me, and that's very valuable. I haven't had to say much to my parents, we are pretty much a you-don't-ask and I-won't-lie family now. I think they figured everything out when we heard about the train derailing and I thought Niko had died. Just from seeing my face. And how I acted the next couple of days. But if I want to avoid a confrontation now, I have to keep my grades perfect. Every break a teacher is willing to cut me, I am taking.

Kokoro says she still has bad dreams. Nozomi says she's been asking about everything. The talent agency, me, the train derailment, why she can't remember checking out the performance arts college. A Japan Railroad East official called Niko, Nozomi says. He said that Niko shouldn't have been where they found her, according to the digital video the train cameras recorded. It seems like every major crash has weird things like that. It must all be mysterious and frightening for her. The Day won't make it any better. The Day has to come before she goes back to school. The weekend before.

So the schedule is - next week physical therapy, and I'll be attending and learning when I can. Week after, therapy at home and at the end of the week, we can help Minami-sensei decide when she'll be ready to come back. And the weekend before she does, well.

The weekend before that, we tell her her whole life is a lie and she's lost three years of that life, including the highest and lowest parts so far. That everyone knows her, even though she doesn't know us.

At least she won't think I am insane for hiding candy Easter eggs in her hospital room in the summer anymore. Maybe she thought I was studying brain injuries because _I_ had one! I have to admit I wasn't thinking about the fact that she not only doesn't know what year it is, she doesn't know what month it is, either. For her, summer vacation is starting in about a month, so she probably figures she will be recovered enough to attend then, maybe without a wheelchair. But after all the nagging I did to get the others not to give away the month and day, wow, was that dumb.

As for idol stuff, we're going to give her the bad news, first, about what happened to her idol club. Then we'll show her the performances, including the Love Lives. Hopefully she'll feel uplifted, instead of crying because she can't remember any of it.

By the way, when Tsubasa and the others were complimenting us, that one time? I really wish they'd noticed that Niko was, you know, really good at about a dozen things we needed to be good at, instead of calling her an "imp." And guessing that maybe that was what every group needed. At the time, we all assumed she was so starstruck over ARISE or narcissistic she didn't notice they were insulting her by omission. She thanked them and even said "I'm the imp!"

Well, now that I have her nikki, I can write that she very, very, very much understood that put-down. It's kind of hard to read that day's entry. Not emotionally hard, though that's also true. It's just that there are so many tear stains it's all smudged.


	16. April 24

**April 24**

Niko if you read this, I completely understand, by the way, I have seen it first-hand. You have usually had a lot to cry about and a strong determination to pretend to be cheerful so you hold it in and in. And when something really crushing happens, if you start crying, it's hard to stop. You usually are washed out the next day. To put it bluntly, you didn't have any close friends to cry to, so you turned to your diary. You couldn't cry in front of your little sisters and brother, and adding to mama Yazawa's hardships was something you were determined against.

In a nasty coincidence, Kira Tsubasa called. I actually mentioned the incident, I thanked them again for the compliments, but I was very sharp with her about Niko. As expected of Tsubasa, she stood her ground.

She said, "well, we wanted to say how cool it was that you were all a unit, that everyone was important to the whole. And then we went overboard I think spelling it out. So, yeah, it sounded like we said every one of you is vital, except, of course, Niko-chan." She said she was sorry about that.

But she added that Niko wasn't very good at fishing for compliments. The way she talked big all the time, but in a very insecure way, like she didn't expect anyone to believe her. And like she had a big ego and thought she was the main star. Only not quite. All Niko would have had to do was be a little humble and the other Muse would have pointed out her good points.

Tsubasa also turned it around with some sharp questions and observations. She said didn't the others in Muse routinely ignore Niko, even when it sometimes cost them, because what Niko said was right? Didn't she once complain that they didn't treat her like a third-year, and practically everyone in Muse taunted her that she was more like a kid or a mascot?

She said, at first the only ones that occasionally treated her with respect were Honoka and Rin, because they all had fun together. And everyone else called them the three idiots, right? And that when you looked at it, ARISE were just high-school girls like Muse, and no smarter or more sensitive really.

"Maki-chan," she said, "You are the one who probably hurt Niko's feelings the most often. It's very sad that she idolized us so much and we let her down. But you need to search your memories and figure out why people treated her that way. From what Honoka says, you're kind of re-raising Niko, so why not fix that?"

Tsubasa can say some very sharp things, but, like Honoka, it's not as antagonizing because she puts forth a lot of sincerity and caring when she says them. I actually thought "why not fix that?" to myself. The thing is, Niko's bucket of self-respect got shot full of holes by life, and she felt like she had to fill it and stop it up all day, every day. She wouldn't have to talk so grandiosely if she was given proper respect for what she actually was and did.

I also don't want to give the impression that we had a bad call, because, like Eli. there was a certain amount of objectivity that I probably needed at this point.

ADDING THIS LATE 24TH

Niko, I don't know when or if you'll read this, but you have some great kouhais coming along. You already know about Alisa and Yukiho. Technically, they'll be in the same year as you, but I think they'll think of you as an idol sempai, nonetheless, and I promise you they respect you completely. And I won't show you this until you know what's going on, but in two years, you and Kokoro will be in the same school for the first time since elementary school.

When Tsubasa mentioned Rin, Honoka and Niko all going out and having adventures and getting into trouble and having fun, I felt defensive. I actually thought in a fuzzy way, well, it was me she lost her virginity with. I am absurd at times. But the very first thing I looked for in Niko's nikki was our first time.

Niko, I can't wait till you reach this part of our shared nikki of the Niko you don't remember being. It was the same way for me. The same as you wrote. Our first time. I was exactly the same. I felt like I'd had a chip on my shoulder all my life and something knocked it off. And instead of wanting to have a fist-fight, I could say, oh, thank God, that chip is finally gone. That we could finally be so honest with each other. It was spiritual, even though it was so completely physical.


	17. April 25 The Most Embarrassing Dream

One of the things I am doing with my limited free time is reading Niko's diary. This same one I am writing in. Today I steeled myself to read about the most embarrassing dream in human history. Courtesy of Maki. And what set it off.

The Most Embarrassing Dream in Human History

This dream is why, when I knew, µ's knew. It also almost turned Maki into a hikikomori. Saved only by Niko.

I had been really throwing myself into composing song after song, trying to get my mind off something. We'd just been through several storms with our school idol group, so having a backlog of songs was my way of trying to shore us up, as well. Anyway, I was missing meals and most of my sleep. Inevitably, I fell asleep at school. Fortunately, it was in the idol club room. I think most of them realized how much I was overworking myself, so they let me sleep. Then suddenly, it happened.

I yelled, very clearly:

"Oh no, we're all going to die! I shouldn't have had sex with Nico, Rin and Umi!"

That's what Niko reported to me much later when I asked. According to Nico's nikki, I also said in a more thoughtful tone:

"Did I have sex with Eli and Honoka? No, that was Umi."

Right after that, I woke up, with the most embarassing, weird dream ever in my thoughts. I looked around and all of Muse was there, not saying anything. In fact, they were stunned. I realize I must have talked in my sleep while having THAT dream. I gathered my things and said I had to go home. No one said anything for a few seconds, then Niko said she had to go with me. I didn't even wave goodbye. I hustled into my regular shoes and Niko didn't even complain about being rushed. She just kept up with me.

We'd been walking in silence for quite a while, when I finally asked "what did you hear?"

Niko explained that i'd raved about how we were all going to die and my regret over having sex with her, Rin and Umi. "And a few other words, but those were the important ones."

I guess the part about Eli and Honoka made me sound like a forgetful slut.

Anyway I was so stricken, I stopped. I also started crying. Normally, when embarrassed, I am more stoic than ever, but this took the prize.

I told Niko I wasn't sure I could go back to Muse - or even to school.

Niko said, in that case, I had nothing to lose by telling her about the dream I'd had. She had a very serious look on her face. I agreed, so I did.

In my dream Niko had been assaulted by some men who had given her some new sexually-transmitted disease that killed people quickly and had no treatment. I'd had sex with Niko, then Rin, then Umi, and Rin had infected Hanayo and Umi had infected Eli, Kotori and Honoka. Finally Eli had given it to Nozomi, so all nine Muse members were doomed.

Niko's only comment at first was that it was comforting to know that if she were assaulted my first instinct would be to push more sexual activity on her, even before she could get to a doctor. Anticipating a blow-up from me, she said, I am not teasing you, that's just the first thought I had. Then she said:

"Maki-chan, so dramatic. I think it will help you if Niko-ni explains what that dream is about."

Then she asked me about my parents and their attitudes to same-sex couples. Well, they were against them, completely. A little fooling around during high school was fine - everyone at Otonokizaka believed that Principal Minami and my mother had fooled around like that when they were students - but after that you had a duty to your family.

Probably Niko had some of that in mind when she said she didn't think my mother was the source of the problem. So, what exactly had my father said about it? Well, he said you should avoid such people because they wanted to infect you with their strange lifestyle. Oh.

"I already know," Niko said, "some part of you sees me as the most fragile person you know. And some of my attraction for you is you imagining rescuing me. So it's no surprise I was the start of the chain. And after I infected you, you acted on some of your other attractions. Spreading the infection."

There were all kinds of things wrong, including a guilty feeling about having slept with Rin and Umi in my dream. Niko moved right on to that part, however. She said long before she met me, Nozomi started her hateful habit of breast rubbing with Niko. If you have no padding on your breasts, the glands in your breast are tender and it's very painful. So one time, Niko decided to turn the tables and grope Nozomi's breasts. It didn't fall out like a punishment. After quite a while, Nozomi said Niko was so gentle with how she handled Nozomi's breasts, they should either become girlfriends or not do that again. Niko said an embarrassed Nozomi was cute to see. As chance would have it, it was only the next week that Nozomi decided to start chasing Eli. But Niko and Nozomi almost got together.

So, Niko said, having feelings for other girls besides her was normal. If we became a couple, she was clingy and jealous, she warned me. But she didn't hold me accountable for my dreams. Especially this one, which mostly meant I was under too much stress. Niko had taken down her hair at some point while we were walking. It fit the mature Yazawa Niko I was seeing. Then she zeroed in on the thing I had been trying to escape for days with my frantic overworking.

"You know and I know what set this off, Maki-chan. We still haven't talked about our date, not even once."


	18. April 25 The Friend-Date

The Friend-Date

When Niko asked me to go on a "date," things were very rocky for Muse. We weren't completely sure we could count on either Kotori or Honoka, and there was dissension spreading. Niko, no doubt, saw a repeat of her ordeal with her first idol act looming. I couldn't figure out at the time why she thought us going on a date would make her (or me) feel any better. She eventually said it was a "friend-date" not a romantic date. It was interrupted at the end by a group phone call about the future of Muse, where most of our issues were sorted out. I should have noticed that no one at all questioned that Niko and I were out together while everyone else was in their own homes, in bed. But I wasn't noticing anything. We first years had seen a film once with hyenas diving on a carcass, and that's what Niko and I were like with our phones when they rang, interrupting a very tense moment.

I supplied the "friend" part. I dressed down as much as I ever have. Niko supplied the "date" part. She was dressed up in a very pretty, elegant dress and pumps, with a pretty necklace and her hair home-styled but still styled. We were quite the mismatched pair, so I grumbled, but Niko was happy because she was about as tall as me. We went shopping, caught a midday movie, and then went to eat at a place in-between the styles we were wearing. Then we were walking in the park, as the sun set. It was one of the most beautiful sunsets I've ever seen. The light caught Niko's face and made her look ethereal.

There was some foreigner with a very expensive camera snapping people in the park. Since he was a foreigner, I wasn't too concerned that he'd accidentally or deliberately capture us. Who cares what foreigners see? But just then, something happened without any conscious thought by me.

Suddenly, I had grabbed Niko and kissed her, kind of forcefully. Niko's eyes went wide with surprise, then she lowered them and submitted to me. I wouldn't say she kissed back vigorously or anything. I held the kiss for a long time, again, not really thinking anything. Then I finally released Niko, who looked away. We were there for a few minutes unable to say anything when our phones rang. We walked over to the bathrooms where the light was better and it was safer. Saved by the bell.

By the way, later Kotori showed me some pictures shot in Japan by a photographer from Ibiza in Spain. One of them was set in the park at the time we were there. Sure enough. Even Kotori didn't know it was us. The light from the setting sun had been angled so it looked as much like an oil painting as a photo.

The caption made me jump. "Lesbians in the park." "A tachi fiercely kisses a much younger neko in the park at sunset. The neko is all dressed up for her first date. The tachi is casual and manly." So I was a tachi who favored middle-school nekos? I wanted to snort, but there was some truth, wasn't there? Anyway, I secretly got a print of the photo from the photographer's service. I still have it.

So anyway, Niko said, maybe I didn't want to talk about it, but dream-me clearly did. One of the reasons I'd agreed to go on a date with Niko was all the teasing we got, like "just go out already, you two!" And I guess they'd been right. "That was my first kiss, Maki," Niko told me.

Upset, I said it had been mine, too. Niko said that she didn't think bickering friends was going to be enough for her anymore. In the past, I'd been very reluctant to think about Niko that way. But that evening heading home, I saw a more mature and serious Niko and I decided. "Let's go out for real then. No more friend dates." No more friend dates, she agreed. And just like that NikoMaki was real.

I printed out a text conversation I got from Sonoda Umi, and I will paste it in here:

 **Maki:**

 **Rin and I talked, one on one. She's very different when Hanayo, Kotori, Honoka etc. aren't around. No doubt, I am the same. First, we wanted to remind you that dreams go all kinds of places and it takes a while to get what their message is. But even if it meant that Maki-chan had feelings for Rin or Umi, we agreed the only thing we would feel about that is flattered. Because Maki-chan is a beautiful, elegant, attractive girl and we love her a lot. Also, even the ones in Muse not good at secrets were sobered by hearing what Maki said, and they aren't going to talk about it outside of Muse. If you are worried about Niko-chan, she is worried about you - too worried to be jealous. It was very striking how quickly and decisively she decided to go with you and help you. If you become a couple or if you don't either way we support you, always. I don't think the love I saw in Niko's eyes as you left is shameful at all. I am a little envious of you, Maki-chan.**

* * *

I am going to be writing a lot in this nikki today. I visited Niko in the hospital. She's gotten used to chronic pain and surgery and hospital stays. It's very sad but she is very brave now. Nozomi is back in college with Eli, but I can count on a lot of people - Rin and Hanayo and Kokoro anytime, Honoka, Kotori and Umi most of the time, even Alisa and Yukiho some of the time. Mrs. Yazawa will always cooperate, she recognizes someone over-working for the ones they love when she sees it.

Come to think of it, next week I want Alisa and Yukiho to visit with me. Niko can meet her future kouhais and then they can leave and I can start observing as Niko has her first PT session.

Anyway, I brought the reading I was doing on Niko's condition with me. I brushed it off as pre-medical reading. She asked me about retrograde amnesia and the hippocampus - she read the kanji as "seahorse." Then we discussed anterograde amnesia and how sad that is. When The Day comes and we tell her everything, she'll realize I was studying her. Niko could only glance at the page I had open but she asked me about Ribot's Law. She's smarter than she gets credit for, but also incredibly nosy. Says the girl who has her diary.

Next week I observe, when I can, her physical therapy. There are at-home things a visiting therapy worker can do that I can probably do. They know I am the daughter of two doctors, preparing to study medicine, and familiar with medical rules and hospital procedures. IF they say I am unlikely to harm Niko helping her at home, that's what I'll do. If some of it needs a real physical therapy worker, the money is already there. I just want the practice. And I want her used to me, not shy or uncomfortable.

PT is painful but it's also tiresome. After a month or two, it becomes dreaded, and that's when we need to be on good enough terms that I can force her to carry on. The initial therapy will be before The Day and before she goes to school. After that? I think that's where the cruel but inspiring Muse videos will help. That's where you need to be again, Niko.

Completely switching subjects.


	19. April 26

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Waiting for physical therapy to start. I am looking back in Niko's nikki. Today I read about when Nozomi was shooting video to be used to tell new students about the club. She filmed "candid" stuff aided by Kotori and Rin. It mostly made us look bad, except for practice. When it was Niko's "turn," according to Niko, she first did her full Niko-Niko-Nii persona and greeting - which, to be fair, we were all sick of by that point - Rin was filming and Nozomi said no, they wanted more candid, everyday video. So Niko took her hair down and assumed a very calm and mature attitude. Only a snippet was filmed, but she was outright gorgeous. As much presence as Eli or Umi ever pulled off. And everyone, including Nozomi and Rin, simply walked out while she was talking. Maybe she wasn't saying anything interesting enough to them, she explained that she wasn't her idol persona, mainly. But she was doing a great job, and showing us how a real idol gets interviewed. We all acknowledged her acting skills. But there was no Niko at all in the video for the club (even very little of her in the practice session part).

I had been checking in with Nozomi lately and I brought it up. Was she being phony? Why did they simply rudely walk away instead of telling her what they wanted? Nozomi said actually Niko was acting much the way she had been every day before her idol club failed. They just didn't want glamour interviews or to give the impression that Niko was usually the calm, poised, glamorous one.

Nozomi said "I know the picture that paints, and in retrospect, you're right. I think we kind of punished her for being hostile to us at first. When Muse was seven people, you got paired with her as a sacrifice. There were the three second-years, best friends forever. There was Hanayo and Rin that you cannot separate, and then there was Niko. So really she was an outsider. At least Maki could easily be bunched with Rin and Hanayo. And after that, disrespecting her became a habit, and it was a form of bullying. Then again, that girl had a really hard time being honest."

"She wouldn't have been so greedy for attention and praise, and would have been more honest, if people just gave her even a little bit," I said. "You guys literally couldn't have let her be interviewed - for 5 minutes - and then used a snippet, even?"

"Well, most of the video was the opposite, I was filming people and having Kotori and Rin film them when they weren't looking. So whoever called it interviews was being misleading." Nozomi was sighing when she said that.

"Maki, this is simply not important now. You're talking about a different girl in a different universe now. If this is what you're going to spend our time on, we won't be able to fix anything. Tsubasa told me you're on a tear right now to confront people about all the injustice against Niko-chan. We already feel bad. I was her friend and I still went along with it, not for a good reason, but because it amused me. You weren't as bad for bullying, but when you said stuff, when you and her were bickering, it hurt more, because she was so in love with you. Can I say one thing?"

She was saying a lot more than one thing, but I said "okay."

"I think Tsubasa's right. Even if the world is wrong, and you are right, Maki, it doesn't matter a bit. The world is bigger than you and it will win every time. You and Niko need to focus on the thing that can change, and that's Niko. I can tell already that you and her family are ready to fill her with the love and praise she needed. She was always comforting her siblings and making things easy for her mother, and no one at all was comforting Niko. But you also need to watch that she doesn't acquire the same habits this time around. I'd be most careful after she finds out the truth and reads her diary. I don't say you shouldn't give her her history and her own thoughts. But that's when she may turn into Dr. Niko and Mister Nii."

I told Nozomi I had saved Rin's video to my laptop, so I still had the snippet just before they walked away after Niko had a chance to get out only a couple of sentences. I showed it to Arisa and she said "Ara, Niko-sempai is as cool as Umi-sempai!" and that she agreed with me that it showed Niko could be absolutely beautiful when she wanted to. Nozomi said if it weren't for her eye color Niko sometimes did look like Umi's little sister when her hair was down.

She mentioned a few things like the lawyer's advice for an ongoing process, and I told her I was cheering for her with Eli, after thinking about it a lot. She didn't even ask how I knew. She re-visited the Niko subject and said "what counts now is what all of us do for the Niko that's here and now, not the other one. That girl is kind of like a Niko in a story-book. I agree with Eli pointing that out to you. I wouldn't help if I didn't care - all this dredging up the past won't help except if you point out something specific that we can change."

I told Nozomi about Mama Yazawa's visit - in the hospital Niko asked about a cousin of her ghost member Rin that Niko was friendly with, that wanted to be in idol club when she started at Otonokizaka. That girl went missing in the tsunami and was never found. Niko didn't react that well to the news, and it was a kind of test to see how strong she is to hear bad news. But even if it makes her very sad and depressed, there is some news, like what year it is, that you can't hold back for very long.


	20. April 27

Kira Tsubasa called again. To say she had a change of heart is too mild. I am just going to write down what she said. First of all, I am not the best note-taker in Otonokizaka for nothing. But also, Tsubasa was crying so she got it out in bits.

"She was our biggest fan . flowers she couldnt afford ... didn't buy nice food for her family for dinner .. didn't go out with friends to have sweets. Nozomi said sometimes she did little jobs in Akihabara.

"She just stayed in that dark clubroom on the computer for hours a day hitting bidding sites so a poor girl like her could buy stuff. Most of it was school idol stuff and most of that was us ...

"Having flowers at the end of a concert made us feel like big wheels as we did our little concerts with our support from our cushy, sparkly UTX.

"And how did i pay her back? Even though i knew she had a crush on you Maki-san I tried to seduce you into writing songs for us. For me. And even to kiss you in the piano room right in front of her eyes.

"When she would have given anything just to have a few words of honest praise from us - I basically said I couldn't think of any - unlike everyone else in her group. Except she was a mischievous little devil, maybe.

"We keep saying we do everything for the fans but that's how we treated our biggest fan. if i say we found her bragging annoying - well, it was her only defense in life. And also - who else would have done all that - who would have made that insane amount of effort?

"Even Koizumi wouldn't come within miles of it.

"And it also was her way of saying hey i don't notice anyone else doing these extraordinary things. Even though she had nothing left.

"Her poor family was going to stay poor.

"Her dead father was going to stay dead.

"Her broken dreams were going to stay broken.

"And no one was going to notice her, after all. let alone smile because she was making them smile.

"But she had that fantasy world to cushion the pain - I think that's what she got out of all the idol collecting. It was research for a life she didn't believe she'd ever have.

"I would ask Nozomi why she never invited Niko out after school to do anything.

"I would, but you know, Maki, i dont have the right.

"She was wearing dresses she **MADE HERSELF** so she'd look good enough to go to our crappy little shows and then leave flowers that she couldn't afford.

"I don't feel like a school idol i feel like a school monster.

"And what would Honoka think if she really thought about it? I don't want to know.

"I didnt call you to confess my sins, Maki.

"i want to say, if it's in my power i want to give Niko another shot.

"Whatever you guys need if i can help, let me know - contacts, word of mouth, whatever - i'd even pay for voice lessons - i know she can't practice dancing or acting but singing is possible.

The way i treated Niko was worse than a dog. it was like kicking Hachikou."

So, that was something.

But you know, we can use all the help we can get.


	21. April 28

**April 28, 2014**

I notice I'm becoming more clinical with Niko. Yesterday during her first physical therapy session, I didn't say a word and I waited for a cue from my mother before giving Niko pills and water. Niko will thank us all a year from now for all the pain we have to put her through now.

It's definitely a blessing that she's back to the determined girl she was when she started at Otonokizaka. She's not complaining as much as I thought she would. Tutoring her has been a breeze, too. That first year basically tore her heart out and she was just going through the motions her second year. I guess the main reason she stayed after school in the club room after the club collapsed was that the Yazawas didn't have any internet at home.

I have to be in this for the long haul. I am arming myself with horror stories of people who didn't do their PT and how they ended up crippled for life. She takes too many medications to study hard subjects, so we do the easiest subjects and at a lazy pace, and chat. I also got help from a voice coach (one of my piano teachers knows them) and I am going to have us take a break from studying by doing vocal exercises. Boy does this bring back memories. I am going to take a break from writing and text with Hanayo.

Okay, Nikki-san. Hanayo remembers our little voice lesson very fondly indeed. She said it was the push that gave her confidence to try joining the 2nd-years. She thinks I should just be bold with Niko like I was with her. I'll make sure Niko's voice is rested and she's well hydrated, but then I will push her a bit. I will tell her when she's bored she must make a habit of doing various voice strengtheners. I have a couple videos of her actual performances with Ageha and Mimi, but I think, unfortunately, they're from after the amnesia sets in. Thank goodness, Niko somehow got Nozomi to film one of their practices. I got a copy from her and so I can critique Niko's singing based on that. Of course, really based on years of singing with her. Counter to the blessing above, my guess is she's really slid back as a singer. Unless there's more to body memory than I think. At best, my guess is it will just maker her learn a little faster this time around.

I am putting all my faith in the lawyer Nozomi found. In such tense circumstances, you have to trust your intuition, and mine is that she's very wise, yet also very compassionate for the weak in society. She still thinks that, in the end, Niko might get more of a settlement from Talent Star-ball than from JRE, which would be astonishing. I mean, it's not like they'd derail a train just to get Niko-chan.

I texted Tsubasa and said I welcomed any help she could give me. Since she brought it up by mentioning Honoka, I may have been rude, but I asked what was up with them. Apparently, she's training Honoka without her knowing it. She does things with her often, always surreptitiously and says it's to avoid overeager fans and people from magazines. Really, it's so when Honoka is trained in discretion, they can date. She says Honoka's hinted at her feelings a lot, and Tsubasa has simply ignored all the hints. Honoka's been seemingly content to settle for all the attention she's getting "as a friend" from the great idol Kira Tsubasa, "which is very cute, I will tell you."

I wished her luck and said she was my role model. Despite the fact that a huge number of our fans put Niko and me together, especially after Zurui yo Magnetic Today came out, we were never photographed together doing anything we couldn't explain. I might not be able to be as aloof as Tsubasa is being. I sort of get why she's so popular. A bit like Niko, but more-so, she has to stand out with charisma since she's so tiny. No wonder Niko was so threatened by her before we went to New York. But anyway, I am going to be Tsubasa to Niko's Honoka. I guess "the idiot trio" needs handlers like me, Tsubasa and Hanayo so their spontaneity and occasional heedlessness doesn't get them into trouble.


	22. April 29

April 29

Chapter Text

If Nico reads this (or even mama Yazawa) ... or hell, even Cocoro, stranger things have happened, and she badly wants to write a book about "all this," whatever that covers ...

If you wonder how I bear up under the stress, please consider that I was told Nico was killed in a train derailment. That she was no longer my sparkly little yousei, my mischievous zashiki warashi, my closest connection to other people, my future, but just another body in the pile. Reduced to anonymity, just a tick mark in the death count. That all I would see of her in the future was an urn on a shrine at the Yazawa's house — if I could bear to go, and if they could bear to have me.

In that light, I have been given a reprieve. My heart has been redeemed from the pawn shop, so who cares what the price was, really?

Everything is going well now, actually. Today we had a more moderate physical therapy session, Nico had less pain medication, and though she was suffering, a much longer tutorial session. Without the drugs, her ability to concentrate on the harder subjects was adequate, and we made a lot of progress. I told her straight out that I knew she was hurting, I felt bad for her, but if she still had her goals, then life would not wait.

Nico remarked that it seemed like she had something like this every day. I told her she was getting a glimpse of life for rich girls like me. In middle school, I had juku every weekday and tutoring all weekend, for starters. Then there was private piano lessons two days a week after juku, and the same for voice, once a week. Over summer vacation I even had sado and ikebana lessons. My parents thought ballet was too ambitious, but were fond of Western ballroom dancing, so one summer I had that once a week, too. And other things as they came up. There was a science camp and, of course, a great deal of time volunteering at Nishikino Hospital. I had cut back on that almost completely. I said taking care of Nico would be just as good a training, and give me more flexibility. Unsaid was the fact that my parents would prefer I had none. When I went there one day a month I tried to be perfect, and learn as much as possible. My parents could see I've changed, and it isn't as if they can object to my new attitude.

My grades are still perfect and I have become a bit more relaxed dealing with important matters. Nozomi is catching up frantically, so I have spoken only with Eli lately. Without anyone saying anything, I decided the topic of her and Nozomi and romance is off-limits. She's certainly not brought it up, either. Because of that, we're getting along fine. With a little bemusement, she's accepted my Nico obsession and is doing her best to assist me. She is mostly caught up, so she's been able to keep up with the various things swirling around Nico and her friends and family. She agrees with me that the lawyer inspires trust, and so does Nozomi, since she and Eli picked her. So we are all working in the same direction.

What else? To "give Nico a break" from tutoring, I repeated the voice lesson "out of nowhere" that I gave Hanayo. Fortunately, Nico's hospital room is a small one in the corner, and no one is in the next one, or I couldn't have done it. Nico's response was like Hanayo's - bewildered at first, then she went along with it and enjoyed it. At first she clearly felt insulted, but I pointed out that I'd had a professional voice teacher, and I was simply repeating the lessons I'd gotten from him. That soothed her vanity, and I think she feels more inspired generally now. Her voice isn't bad. Also, any bad habits she trained herself into with her idol trio won't get in the way. She's somewhat more of a blank slate.


	23. Omake: Happy Birthday, Nico!

**Friday, May 30**

Since we had all promised Nico to have a big party for her birthday before we had told her the truth, we decided to go through with it. It would be a sad thing to suddenly have her wait almost two months for her birthday just because of some data that wouldn't even feel real to her. I had always planned on giving her back her diary, and thus Nikki Sambamme, this journal, was born. It feels weird not having Nico's diary. It feels cramped not being able to compare my memory with her notes. But it is her life and she is entitled to as much of it as she can recall. When she gets to my part, I wonder what she will think.

Communication is important for relationships, but ours will be on a whole new level, I think.

Nico cried, of course. Yes, she cries much, much more easily nowadays. For some reason, being smashed up like mochi in a train-wreck and losing three years of your life will do that to a person.

And we shared our first kiss. For her, for real. For me, with the new Nico. That's really the old Nico I never knew. I am sure this is like time travel for Nico, but for me it is, a bit, too. I was able to go back in time for a few months and see what Nico was like before her school troubles started. Now I don't know — she's going to turn out a hybrid of that girl and what she became.

We have Nico almost caught up on idol videos and such. She said watching them had become too depressing, but now she feels enough potential to hope that she can stand to watch them. She's become very close with Hanayo again. I am glad to say her and Honoka started getting along. Just like before, the fact that Nico, Rin and Honoka are all goofy in their own way brought them together. They raced Nico's wheelchair around. She sat in a chair (that she was able to struggle into by herself, mostly) and watched with amusement.

It will make a huge difference in her physical therapy. Just having a reason to do it, I mean. She assumed before that I was just humoring her, that she'd be handicapped for life. Now, she's taking the doctor's admonition that she _can_ get better in a year or so more seriously. After my long talk with my father, I realized that stressing her out to recover more memories is not worth it. Not all of them are good, and we can focus on the ones that are. Even if she just fabricates some, the way Cocoa and Cotarou did with their father, that is good enough. I still don't regret that I made it clear she's my top priority, but I got a glimpse of my father as physician and head of a hospital, and suddenly, my certainty that I want to abandon everything and work on brain injury research has all but evaporated. It will return if complications crop up.

Nico didn't say a discouraging word about me having her diary. She has been full of hundreds of questions for her poor family every day, and many of them were about me. The not-quite three years missing thing we will resolve with her next, second, real, whatever-you-wish-to-call it birthday. Being two months off is an added complication, and it's better to make a clean break. So we will tell everyone she is three years younger than her chronological age is, and leave it at that.

The lawyer and my parents have been very helpful with that. Most of the time, Nico can be just another (now) sixteen-year old first-year. If something comes up that requires something else, just explaining things as briefly as possible will do.

Eli couldn't make it to the party, but she's pledged to attend the next one. She and Nozomi are still at arms length, but that's better than being completely estranged. I think they'll have a very long talk at some point soon. I hope she doesn't wait for Nico's birthday, because I want to be free to help — or at least lend a sympathetic ear to one or both of them.

As predicted, Nico was overwhelmed with happiness at the idea of being in school with Cocoro. I think she found reading about her past birthdays very sobering. That was one of the times she started crying, and she looked at all her, for her, new friends with a very soft and grateful expression. I would write more, but the emotional rollercoaster lately, especially today, has completely worn me out.

And I am circling the date because I kissed Nico.


End file.
